So, here's a little fact about me.
I talk fairly fast. Sometimes, if I'm distracted, I'll combine phrases or words which most of the time are harmless. Other times, they make my life extremely awkward. Most of the time, I could care less, especially if I'm with friends. Though there are just some instances where I say the wrong things to the wrong people. Here are three stories, the last of which happened today.
I never used to be a flexible person. Then I started doing yoga and BAM, I could touch the floor no problem.
Come to think of it, I should start that up again sometime soon.
Anyway, one day I went into my parent's room to talk to my mom. I don't remember when this was (it could have been summer or fall break...probably the latter) and I was talking about how much yoga helped with my flexibility, and how proud I was. I used to barely be able to go down to my knees and now it's to the floor. C'mon! Totally impressive. My mom asked me to show her, and as I reached down to touch the floor I said "See how amazing I am at bending over?"
I'm a winner, right?
I hadn't realized what I said until I got upright, but still. The damage was done. My mom luckily didn't catch on but still. Needless to say, I felt uncomfortable.
Story two happened a couple weeks ago. You know those days when you know you're going to get absolutely shitfaced wasted, and then the next morning you don't feel alive until 4 pm and the smell of the liquor from that night (oy, rum) still makes you feel a little queasy a couple weeks later? Yeah. I had one of those nights, the friday before I left for home. So, knowing the night was going to end in a haze, I made sure my phone was fully charged, I removed numbers I didn't want to drunkenly contact, and I set up a guaranteed driver who was going to be in all night and therefor fully sober and trustworthy.
This guy was my German TA, who's actually become a good friend of mine. I'm going to call him TA, because it's easy that way.
But anyway, apparently sometime around 3 or 4 am I evidently texted him to come pick me up. He asked directions to the party I was at, and sent a now infamous text.
Just so you know, when I text, I have proper spelling, grammar, the whole shebang. When I'm drunk, I do my best but sometimes stop giving a shit. I was trying hard to text properly, because, well, fuck I needed a ride back to campus, and I wasn't in a condition to stand straight (this is actually confirmed. The next day, TA said as he drove past me I was teetering over), much less walk over a mile.
Anyway, he had texted me for directions to where I was and I *think* I meant to type "Go straight down college road and you'll see me".
What did I actually send to my TA?
"Go straight down me"
After that, he apparently called me to get my location and I got back to my room in one piece and passed the fuck out, but still. He likes to give me hell about that any chance he can. I can officially say I've accidentally sexually propositioned my TA. So proud.
Okay, so here's the story that happened today. I was over at Ex's place where we were having a movie marathon, and I said something to insult him so we started running around and throwing stuff at each other, completely jokingly. Pretty normal, for the two of us. So my mom always warns me to play nice with him, because while my personal life is beyond complicated, Ex still vocalizes his feelings for me regularly, and I try my best to not send any wrong signals.
Anyway, my mom knew I was over there and gave me a quick call to ask about my ideas for modifying the recipe for tonight's dinner. Right before she called, my calf cramped up (fairly normal for me) so Ex took it upon himself to help massage the knot out. Not a big deal, seeing as he's done it at least a hundred times before.
But so I pick up my phone, completely breathless, over at my ex boyfriend's house who is currently massaging my calf. Because of all the funny faces he was making along with getting the pain out of my calf, I was only half listening to what my mom was saying. The rest of my concentration was on keeping a straight face. I did the usual "uh huh"s and "sounds good"s, and as she finished up talking about the recipe, I said (or so I thought) "That sounds good". My mom then got kind of awkward, said she'd talk to me later, and hung up the phone.
As I hung up, with my calf feeling fine, Ex burst out in hysterics. I asked him what the hell had happened, and he asked me if I had any idea what I actually said to my mother. Saying what I thought I said, he started laughing again and shook his head. When I asked him what I actually said, he replied "That feels good". I evidently combined "That sounds good" and "I feel that", both of which are phrases I say regularly.
Now, with anyone else, it wouldn't have been so bad. But to my mother, when she knew I was over at Ex's house (and everyone and their mother's uncle knows he and I used to go at it like teenage sex starved rabbits), while I was completely out of breath and spaced out, I could only imagine what she thought.
Though I just saw her and she gave me a look when I walked in the door which I felt less than comfortable with.
I give up on life. I just do.